Strung Along Fine Lines

Sunday, January 25, 2015

A lot of times I feel like life is a balancing act. We, especially as women but men as well, are expected to have exceptionally behaved children and make excuses (teething, sick, etc.) when they act like, well, kids, a spotless home with zero dirty dishes in the sink, freshly mopped floors and decluttered counters, cook food network healthy, organic, gluten free, cruelty free meals while simultaneously decorating a cake, be successful in work and be the best wives we can be all while making it to the gym 5 times a week and gulping down green juice and salads in between gymnastics, girl scouts, play dates, church functions and still making time to read to our kids.....

I don't know about you but that was a hell of a run on sentence and, if we're being honest, that is how my life has felt lately. Like one big run on sentence. Life is all about balance and there is no way we can possibly balance all those things and still be happy. 

I am a type A person. and I like to think that I can do everything and if I just stay organized down to the tiny details then maybe, just maybe, I can get everything done in a  day. 

But I can't. 

These past 5 months, and maybe more, I have not been myself. I blamed it on a hard pregnancy, but, it all has to do with me trying to get everything done just how others (and myself, I am my harshest critic) expect it to be. 

This realization hit me today. I am in the middle of my third homework assignment and I just needed a break. So here I am. 

I was thinking back to yesterday when Lo and I had a girls day with one of my friends and her daughter that is Lo's age. We went to lunch and then went to get our nails done. While I was sitting alone I was checking emails and getting back with clients then when we went to their house and were watching a movie I was setting my schedule for the week. When I ran out of work to do on my phone I felt so guilty that I wasn't working. I realized I haven't sat down and watched a movie without working or doing homework in months...maybe even longer. 

It's getting to the point of being extremely unhealthy.

I have never in my life been sick as many times as these past 5 months, I am still getting morning sickness but I have had the flu, colds, infections and I am pretty sure I have a sinus infection right now.

It isn't healthy to never let your brain or body relax. I wake up in the night thinking about work that needs to get done or things we need to do and don't fall back asleep for hours. 

The absolute, most unhealthy thing that I think I am doing is pushing relationships to the side. Reading and playing with my kids has been taking a back burner, Bryson and I haven't played a game or just enjoyed ourselves in a long, long time. We used to play a board game or card game almost every night. 

I feel overwhelmed and unhappy a lot of the time because my mind is absorbed in the wrong things. Tomorrow morning I am making a change. and it starts with a change in perspective. 
I can't do it all. and that's ok.

I am going to make  a time for work and homework and stop working into the wee hours of the morning. 

I am going to play with the kids more and enjoy Bryson's company more.

I am going to make healthier decisions mentally and physically for myself because I am sick and tired of being sick an tired. 

Tonight I am going to finish what is due tonight and then I am going to go to bed. 


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